Imposter Syndrome, or How Theatre Bizarre is both my heaven and my hell

Theatre Bizarre has been the Pinnacle of my photography career. of all the events that have been cancelled because of the pandemic, Zombo’s slumber was the hardest to swallow. The otherworldly ambiance of Theatre Bizarre was like heaven and hell on earth. It may have been just another gig that the Metro Times handed out to its photographers, but for me, it was one of those events that made me feel like I had made it.

I may be a little late to the party since Theatre bizarre has been an annual tradition for the better part of 20 years, but The first year I did it was 2018. The event itself is surreal and otherworldly, but my inexperience clearly showed through with my grainy, blurry pictures. It wasn’t my proudest gallery, but it was a chance to improve. So over the course of the next year, I practiced, studied, and really tried to prove that I was good enough to photo this amazing event again. And when October rolled around, I was assigned All 4 nights of Theatre Bizarre. it was an F’n honor for me.

The First weekend of 2019 went well. the whole event is sensory overload. Every smoke filled, orange glowing room is its own experience: there’s the Dirty Devil’s Peep Show, the live music, fire breathers, and cirque performers, the “eyes Wide Shut”-esque bondage room, the world-Famous Fistatorium and the Sinema. Several thousand pictures taken, I turned the gallery into the newspaper, and I felt pretty good.

The second weekend rolls around. I know what to expect, I know which rooms to go to, I know the gist of the performances, so I know where to be to get some decent shots. But about an hour into the event, something feels off. I can’t seem to get my Bearings. I can’t catch my Breath. I sat on a window sill and tried to suck in as much fresh air as possible. Something in my mind broke. Next thing I know, I’m in my car in the parking lot across the street from the Masonic Temple, on ebay, putting my camera gear up for sale. I wasn’t good enough to be photographing this amazing event. I’m not a real photographer. I took 1 photography class at a community college. I lucked out getting into event photography. They had real photographers in there. Photographers I looked up to but knew I could never equal. I had spent the last year busting my ass to get better, doing every show and event I could, but I was still a phony, a fraud. I had never had a panic attack this bad before.

By chance, my wife texted me to see how I was doing. I told her what I was doing. Somehow she talked me off my ledge. she distracted me enough to get me to turn the car on, and talked to me for the hour or so it took to get home. When I got home, she turned into a human weighted blanket. We talked for a few hours, we agreed I needed to slow down, I didn’t need to do every show, I couldn’t be everywhere all the time, and I would have to live with the F.o.m.o. every once in a while. I had spent the last year building my portfolio enough that I didn’t need to keep proving myself. once I was able to think straight, I edited my 50 pictures to turn into the Metro Times and finally got to sleep.

I had one more night to cover. I got there early. and instead of sprinting through all the rooms and trying to get as many pictures as possible, i took my time and actually sat and enjoyed the festivities. I truly became engulfed in everything - the elaborate costumes and decor, the performances, the overall ambiance. it truly is how I picture my nirvana.

The pandemic really gave me time to take a break from doing photos. I did a few fashion and artsy shoots while everything was shut down, but for the most part, my camera collected dust in the spare bedroom. It was announced that theatre bizarre would stay on hiatus in 2020 and 2021. When i was tagged in a post on facebook by a couple friends that the Theatre Bizarre Orchestra was doing an intimate performance in Ferndale, I immediately jumped at the chance. It doesn’t really help the whole imposter syndrome thing when other people vouch for me. I thought, Maybe I’ve just been able to be slightly good enough to fool them into thinking I’m a decent photographer. if i click the button enough times, i might be able to pull enough decent pictures to make it look like I know what I’m doing for a bit longer, or at least until people catch on.

If you’ve never heard the Theatre Bizarre Orchestra, I 100% recommend checking them out. the music is beautifully haunting. It creates an atmosphere that mixes fun with the macabre, music that perfectly matches a burlesque show with dancers dressed as the devil and demons. So that was just a long-winded, roundabout way of saying I enjoyed the event. And I’m Infinitely grateful to my wife for keeping me sane and helping me get through that night, Jerilyn for every chance to allow me to try and prove myself, Lauren and Erron for vouching for me, and Josh for letting me cover the event.

Check out The Theatre Bizarre Orchestra on itunes or where ever you get music. Support amazing artist.